The Sacred Order’s Guide to Haggis Enlightenment

At last, the Order’s most treasured (and deeply suspect) teachings are revealed, including:

• The Great Stompocalypse – A rhythmic catastrophe that resulted in the spontaneous ascension of a local clergyman.
• The Highland Hover – A manoeuvre so precise it teetered on the brink of defying gravity (or basic self-preservation).
• The Islay Impact – A spiralling technique of dubious legality and undeniable consequences.
• The Great Splatter of Aberdeen – A disaster so catastrophic that it remains the only recorded instance of Aberdeen’s granite walls requiring cleaning.

Featuring legendary figures such as J.J. Penrose, Lady Victoria “Steamfoot” MacPherson, and Lord Reginald “The Rogue” Rothesay, this book is an audacious blend of history, satire, and dangerously unverified scholarship and for those who suspect that haggis may, in fact, be plotting something.

Witty, irreverent, and alarmingly well-researched, The Sacred Order’s Guide to Haggis Enlightenment is the only book you will ever need to achieve stomping transcendence—or, at the very least, to forever ruin polite dinner conversations.

 Warning: Side effects may include an urgent need to acquire ceremonial footwear, an increased risk of interpretive stomping, and the unshakable feeling that your next haggis dinner is watching you.